Sunday, December 03, 2006

Turnabout's Fair Play -- Time To Pray

Time For Hanukkah....
Rededication to the G-d of Miracles
.Joseph in Potipher's House
.Keep Smiling... Please

NEXT STOP --- PURIM & Esther in the Court of the King.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Tee Hee

That's me on the right.
(Shyly smile...)

Sunday, September 24, 2006

To Cliche or Not Cliche

Cliches are like beating a dead horse
…or running a subject into the ground
...or dulling a sharp pencil.

Perhaps when the rubber hits the road
…when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Still I suppose we could just let sleeping dogs lie
...but my cat might have your tongue,
'cause he always tells the truth.

Yet I might just be pulling your leg.


Monday, September 11, 2006

I Will Remember

No one is useless in this world
who lightens the burdens of another.

Charles Dickens, English novelist (1812 - 1870)

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Cat 911

"SVU, Detective Munch."

“Hello, Special Victim's Unit? I can't find my kitten. I think he's been cat-napped…”

“Sorry Ma'am, that's not a police job. Try the ASPCA.”

“But you don't understand... this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.”

‘Well, you'd better hang up, Ma'am. He may be trying to call you right now.”

Read Cat calls 911

Monday, July 31, 2006

Safe Journey

Take chances, make mistakes.
That's how you grow.
Pain nourishes your courage.
You have to fail in order to practice being brave.
Mary Tyler Moore, Actress (1936 - )
------------- ---
No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted. - Aesop, The Lion & the Mouse.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Nose To Nose

June 9, 2006 - Richard Belzer & Jerry Lewis New York, Friar's Club Roast for Jerry's 80th. The Belz, hosting.
My Big Brothers of Comedy

(Thanks for being there.)


You're alive. Do something. The directive in life,
the moral imperative is so uncomplicated,

that it can be expressed in single words,
not complete sentences.

It sounds like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.

~Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Mental Health Hotline

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are Obsessive/Compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are Co-Dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you. 

If you have Multiple Personalities: Press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 

If you are Paranoid: We know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call. 

If you are Delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother ship. 

If you are Schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. 

If you are Depressive: It doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer you. 

If you are Dyslexic: Press 6 9, 6 9, 6 9, 6 9 

If you have a Nervous Disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until the beep. 

After the beep, please wait for the beep. 

If you have a Short-Term Memory Loss: Please try your call again later. 

If you have Low Self-Esteem: Hang up. 

All operators are too busy to talk to you...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Humor Is A Rubber Sword

Humor is a rubber sword -
It allows you to make a point
without drawing blood. -- Mary Hirsch

Friday, May 05, 2006

Keep It Simple Stupid

"Brevity is the soul of wit"
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Monday, May 01, 2006

That Fell Down

"The act evolves out of yourself--but not intellectually. It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything--staying in motion. Because sooner or later those ripples will cause change. This paying your dues, appearing again and again and again on every sort of stage in front of every kind of audience, until you gradually acquire technique and stage identity, which is not you, but has your passion, your hurts, your angers, your particular humour.

This is a birth process, and it can be painful."

-Joan Rivers, Enter Talking.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Proceed with Caution = Full Speed Ahead

"A friend once asked me what comedy waz.
That floored me. What iz comedy? I don't know.
Duz anybody? Can you define it?
All I know iz that I learned how to get laughs,
and that's all I know about it.
You have to learn what people will laugh at,
then proceed accordingly."
- Stan Laurel

Friday, April 14, 2006

Happy Passover

(cHag sameach... or just go hug somebody.)


FOR YOUR FUNNI PLEASURE --- Click below for Passover card:

(wasn't me.)

From Schlepping Through The Alps by Sam Apple

Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Not Ready 4 Comedy Club Playerz

The Laughter Safety Valve Commission Preezents:
Two Gents and a Kat in
A Street Performance of

(or Three friendz making total foolz of themselvez)
Jay Ulin (Saxophone), Kat-Renée Kittel (Clarinet)
and The Guy Who Doesn't Play an Instrument

And You Thought Your Day Waz Bad...

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

The boss of a big company called his network engineer on his day off about an emergency that had to be taken care of right away.

After dialing the employee’s home phone number, he heard a child's whisper.


Slightly annoyed by having a child pick up the phone, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?”

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

"No," came the whispered answer.

Trying another tactic he ventured, "Is your Mommy there?

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Surely an adult had to be monitoring the kid. "Is there anyone there besides you?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

The boss frowned, bewildered. "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the quiet answer.

The boss heard a very loud whirring roar through the earpiece on the phone.
"What is that noise?"

"A hello copper," answered the still whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" The boss raised his voice, alarmed.

In quiet awe the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello copper."

The boss was out of patience, "Well, what in the world are they searching for?"

The young voice muffled a giggle, "Me."

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Keeping Sane...

Top twenty ways to stay sane among the Lemmings....

20. As often as possible, sit down in the check out line.
19. Every time someone asks you to do something say, "Is plastic okay?"
Replace decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
17. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
16. Every three days, tell your friends you can't attend their funeral because you're not in the mood.
15. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN.”
14. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go.”

12. Order a Diet Water with a serious face.
11. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
10. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds.”

9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy.”
8. Don't use any punctuation.
7. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
6. Sing along at the opera.
5. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rocky Bottom.
4. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
2. When the money comes out of the ATM scream, "I won! I won!"

And the Number One Way to keep a healthy level of insanity—

Post this list and make someone laugh.

It’s called therapy.

Friday, March 31, 2006

A Dream of Roses

Or not. How Government Works... Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person at $18,000.00 a year for the job.

Then Congress said,
"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions for $22, 000.00, and one person to do time studies for an additional $22,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said,
"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies for $31,000.00 and one to write the reports for an additional $31,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said,
"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper for $35, 000.00 annual salary, and a payroll officer for an additional $35,000.00, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,
"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer at $155, 000.00 per year, Assistant Administrative Officer $125,000.00, and a Legal Secretary for an additional $100,000.00 per year.

Then Congress said,
"We have had this operating for one year with a budget cost of $574, 000.00 and we are $18,000 over budget. We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Classy at The SAG Awards

Dear Richard & Harlee...

You two are beautiful....
May you always be together.

You are in my prayers.
With lots of love,
Your "Kid Sis,"
Katie Kat.
Richard Belzer & Harlee McBride at the 12th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards
(c)2006 Digital Hit Entertainment. All rights reserved.
Photographer: Christine Lambert
(Thanks Christine for such a perfect photo....)

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Time After Time

To Sidney...

"Time After Time"
Lyrics ©1983 by C.Lauper & R.Hyman
Lying in bed I hear the clock tick and think of you
Caught up in circles confusion is nothing new
Flashbacks warm nights almost left behind
Suitcase and memories time after…

Sometimes you picture me I’m walking too far ahead
You're calling to me I can't hear what you've said


Then you say go slow, I fall behind
The second hand unwind
If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time

After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows you're wondering if I'm ok
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time

If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting


Then you say go slow, I fall behind
The second hand unwind
If you’re lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I’ll be waiting
Time after time

Time after time
time after time
time after...
Cat Hanging Onto Branchie is ©1994 by Kat-Renée Kittel

Saturday, February 04, 2006

A Year of Wisdom

From The Desk of Kat-Renée Kittel
(Revised: 25.2.06)

In a few hours, I will be another year older and many years wiser... from the School of Hard Realities. What is the main lesson I have learned??

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle." -Unknown.

I don't know why my family was "thrown into the lion's den" or why it seems way too many years have past since I last remembered how to give the gift of laughter... but there it is. Now I find myself giving joy even when my heart is breaking...over the loss my brother & stepfather, and not knowing when I'll be reunited with the kind, dear soul I call my husband.

Does that mean I'm going to gleefully run out to the only comedy club in this Hayseed County, grab a mike and make twenty-something's laugh? Not particularly... I drove by there tonight and the place looked claustrophobic and too much like a loud, overcrowded smoke-filled room destined to give me an asthma attack or a migraine.

Forgive me y'all—from the looks of the marquis that night, I couldn't tell if they knew real funny from a chicken bone stuck in someone's throat and I'm not that good with the Heimlich manuever yet. Although I did save my cat the other day. Besides I would really rather draw roses than host a spelling bee in a bar.

Well I did get to have fun before age twelve in front of around 3,000 people, playing a male role, fake mustache and all (well the auditorium did hold about that many...I dunno). And I spent more than ten years in front of a nursing home audience, doing what some religious ministers think women ain't supposed to do... sharing sermons and stories to folks who in all intents and purposes were just waiting in the station for their train ride home. My worst audience so far would have to be a man who held up the convenience store with me the sole employee for the night.

If I had a chance to step into theater or act before a camera?? Would I love to play next to my big brother Richard Belzer? As my Spanish teacher used to say— "Que fun." As long as he teases me a little and I get to wear his hat...

Still I figure this—how my gifts are used will have to be up to Providence to decide. (I still don't know how I get people to laugh so easily... )

So what am I doing for my birthday? Well, I went looking for black tennis shoes. Haven't found a pair that fit. Other than that, I just tried to give my gift of joy to a friend... (mon chat vous aime. )

A bit of news.
Writing this column has been an essential part of walking out of a nightmare and toward a new lease on life. I started another column for funnier stuff. Check out "Da Katie Katz n Reni" at this address: ""
Previous "Agape" entries can be accessed from the links on the right side of the new site. Use the "Go to Da Katie Katz" link for the new journal.

Shalom everyone...

Little Eagle Dancer

Twirling in the moonlight
Bowing to The Maker
Blowing kisses to His Constellations

Barefoot now and knee length deerskin dress
Long black hair swirling as you tease
The grass with your light-foot steps

And picked the eagle’s feather
From the nest

Now laughing at your bravery
You dance with the feather
At the edge of running water

Joyfully waiting for
Your older brother
Who gave you the dare

© by Dreamof-Roses, 2006.

Kind Regards and Laugh Safely,
Reni =^..^=

"There is no problem that cannot be improved by effort, and no effort that is too paltry to be worth undertaken." -Sam Waterston.


©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Photo by Gil Perez. Please be kind and give laughter/funny credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. (Dear Richard, thanks for the hug...)

Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah

is inspired by my Big Brother, The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. (
Turnabout's Fair Play & note by Mr. Anonymous, Chairman, LSVC)

**Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor represent staff writers of this website. Previous page versions are obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Pub Dept with The Chairman's signature approval. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for laughter safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.**

Monday, January 30, 2006

Little Animal Shelter Spokesman

Little Animal Shelter Spokesman
-L Munoz, ©Daily News, L.P. - Jan 9, 2006

AS THE SARCASTIC Detective John Munch on NBC's cop drama "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit," Richard Belzer tracks down demented sexual predators.

But in real life he's doing cuddlier work, signing on to be the first spokesman for a public service announcement campaign for the Little Shelter Animal Adoption Center, a no-kill center in Huntington.

"A lot of pets were abandoned in Hurricane Katrina," he said. "Plus, there's always a need to adopt so they won't be euthanized."

After seeing reports of the homeless pets, Belzer said, he had wanted to help out. So last week he spent a day posing with Munch, an adorable Shepherd mix puppy, and Tater Tot, a 6-month-old male cat.

"I had the greatest time. It was wonderful," Belzer said. "Whenever a dog comes into a room your blood pressure goes down."

The PSAs will appear on more than 2,000 city taxis and in the Daily News, Ladies Home Journal and Entertainment Weekly.

Founded in 1927, Little Shelter finds homes for about 2,000 pets each year, regardless of their age or injuries.

As a kid, Belzer had pet turtles. At one point as an adult he had seven cats.

At 61, he's now a first-time dog owner with a 10-month-old border collie-Beauceron mix, rescued in France and named Django after jazz great Django Reinhardt.


Under the link to Richard Belzer in the News is an organization called Safe Horizons, a non-profit organization that helps move victims of violence from crisis to confidence. The link is to their 2005 November benefit called "No Laughing Matter." Many comedians and other actors helped make this benefit possible, including Richard Belzer and his wife, Harlee McBride.

Although the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™ is a place for satirical humor, silly fun and just plain ding battiness... understand that the LSVC is actually a gift to a dear soul who helped this writer, artist and comic relief find more than just her sense of humor again...

and to thank him for giving me a safe horizon once more. Simply by listening when I corresponded, by praying, by leaving three beautiful words ...and by watching from afar.

(Amazing what a pat on the back will do...helps save lives sometimes.)

Richard and his family will always be in my prayers.

Attitude is Everything,

Luv y'all,

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Keep Smiling...Please.

**Now a Word From Our Sponsor**

(Revision 28.01.06) If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is… French.
-Katie Kat.

(But don’t let Mommi fool you. She got dis out uv a frase buk…)


Le magasin de bijoux. 

Bonjour. Je m’appelle Katie. Comment allez-vous?

Trés bien, merci. Et vous?

Trés bien. Quelles sant les previsions meteo?

Du brouillard

Est-ce que je pourrais voir... un nouveau cerveau? Comme celui vous avez dans le viseur. Avez-vous quelque chose en perle de culture?

Je veux que vous allies voir un spécialiste.


A cause du temps. C’est déprimé

Ah... a cause du temps... Je suis perdu en raison du brouillard. Mon coeur est blessé. Je ne puis pas manger ou dormir. Est-ce que le médecin pourrait venir me voir, un médecin que parle anglais?


Est-ce que je peux prendre rendez-vous pour aujourd’hui?

Oui. C’est urgent.


De rien. Promettez-vous?

Oui. Je promets.


Brought to you by Dingbats Anonymous: The people who make your brain think…

Need a translation? Try here... & learn something new. (Hey, that's what I did and a phrasebook from Barnes & Noble. Thanks Davo for grinning at this "dingbat.")

My Internet Service conspiratorially went down…

We don’t know what you did, but we’re telling Captain Kid… We don’t smoke, we don’t chew… We watch Captain Kangaroo!!! …And we’ve never been to Boston in the fall. Cuz we're the pirates who don’t do anything… (Mike Nawrocki, 1997)

Laugh Safely and Good Night (or Good Morning),
Katie Kat =^..^=

(Promesse gardée...Être continué)


"First you must decide what you want... And then you have to fight for it." -Lantern Hill.

©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah (Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah) is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. See Turnabout's Fair Play and comment left by Mr. Anonymous. (Dear Richard & Harlee, Thanks for the hug.)

***Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor do they represent the staff writer of this website. Previous page versions have been obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Publications Dept. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for Laughter Safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.*** --------- REVISED 27.02.06 - Submitted for Safe Laughter Rating...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sirius or Serious??

(Katie "Moe-Moe" Kitty, Haard at werk, lernin nu funni materul.)

Re-Edited 27.02.06 - (Re-submitted for Laughter Safety Rating.)

. More Shocking than Stern, Oddities
and You Can’t Teach Funny.

A/N: I had promised the Chairman a post last night, but I was pretty zonked out—went to bed and had a decent nights sleep. Yet with no plastic over my pillow—woke up with my eyes nearly swollen shut. I can see better now, but if you find a few typos...

(Wait a minute.. where did the monitor go? Where am I and why does everyone keep laughing at me... Is everyone starved for humor around here?? Who are these aliens and what did you do with the normal people??? Has anyone actually noticed The Chairman's three word endorsement??? "A good relationship..." WHAT IN THE BLOOMIN' BLUE BLAZES IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???? Somebody please give me a stage or beam me back to Hayseed County before I go stir crazy... by a conspiracy plot from the outer limits of the twilight zone...)

In my last column, my Big Brother (and Chairman of the LSVC) left a three-word conspiratorially teasing comment. My brain went spinning, wondering what he meant...

Of course, as Busy Bosses tend to do from time to time, he merely stopped by to check on my work, you know--make sure I wasn't on another Catnip Tea break or dangerously walking on the window ledge again... (I like heights). How conspiratorially sweet of you, brother. I know you’re busy being The Chairman of Funny and Detective Munch's understudy (just kidding Richard.) —you didn’t have to do that. I guess there is such a thing as a hug over the Internet. (chuckles softly… I still owe you one.)

Well, there are lots of folks doing stranger things over the Internet and telephone, but I’ll leave that to Howard Stern to explore. I ain't even going to go there. Well it's just that I already have a husband. I only need one of those.

I just started a new job—part-time through the temp agency—as admin asst in the tech publications dept of the Laughter Safety Valve Comission™. I'm just filing letters between comedians and the LSVC, updating/adding revisions to safety manuals and proofreading. Still the office atmosphere is relaxed and no pressure—really nice folks who enjoy being around each other. For me—so refreshing to work with genuine people who have a sense of humor. A 180 degree turn from folks who thought something was wrong with me. (So in Hayseed County, y'all don't read the Wall Street Journal and walking tigers down the street is illegal? Oh.....okay.)

Now here’s the interesting partspeaking of Howard—one of the staff began talking about Sirius and Stern. I mentioned I’d only caught glimpses of reruns aired on TV and not the news section—the part I was interested in—looking to see if my big brother, The Chairman had stopped by.

Yet after work I have a message at home to call the temp agency. Apparently, I was being cautioned not to talk about my website…that it might be a personal/privacy issue. Like I’m way more shocking than Stern??? Helloo… asserting "innocent of ..." is way too controversial? Okay… Maybe I should mention that to Howard. I could be a guest or something.

Just a strange thought in my head... Howard may even find this story amusing. I don’t know…I’ll have to get back to him... The network guy was just worried about band width overload—one of my sites plays music. And I can totally understand that—we're talking laughter safety here. Interruption of the Ultra EHF Bandwidth connection between staff writers and the comedian during a live performance could be very dangerous... to the comedian, especially.

Hmmm, the shocking controversy of asserting innocence.
Yeah… I like that.

Speaking of oddities this one is downright conspiratorial. Someone nabbed this book from the Public Library: “UFO’s, JFK and Elvis, Conspiracies You Don’t Have To Be Crazy To Believe.” by Richard Belzer.

The online library database gave the book as a new acquisition and in transit to the shelves. I put a hold on the book and waited and waited. I got fed up and braved the main library branch with the red/blue contrasting carpet that always does strange things to my light sensitive eyesight with stigmatism overtones. (The wonderful thing about red/blue carpet not showing dirt—you can't see the floor!!)

I ventured into the three-story public building and talked to Reference (with my hands spread out between my eyes and the psychedelic mess below). The book was originally ordered and received in 2000, but never found the shelves!! Very strange. So the reference librarian and I had a good laugh about conspiracies and how she once stood outside the window of the Today Show. Jesse L. Martin (Det. Green of Law & Order) just happened to be standing there as well. She’s reordering the book and checking through interlibrary loan.

I’ll just buy a very used copy at Amazon… might be faster...Well that leaves one last thing...

Review Belzer’s first book, “How To Be A Stand-Up Comic.”

After Providence walked me back into the Light, I had no earthly idea where I was. (See previous entry,
Turnabout's Fair Play.)

My comments to people in the world of retail stores made people chuckle. I had forgotten that sound and wanted to hear it again. And again. Then I did something I’ve dubbed—"The Absent-Minded Customer Helps The Stressed-Out Cashier." The reaction from the woman in line behind me was priceless. She stifled a smile, covered her face and turned her back to me. Don't know if she was embarrassed for me or about me. Or maybe thought the whole thing was funny, but wanted to get home!!! Or thought I was just plain nuts... (Sorry, I don't have the recipe written down yet.)

That’s when I began searching for an explanation. While driving around Hayseed County I saw this square, glass walled booth—out in the middle of a wheatfield, unattached to anything. Turned out to be some kind of empty station with a console of monitors and handwritten instructions. The console had some kind of safety release valve with instructions that read, "Turn valve counter clockwise for laughter, then straight ahead for eccentric humor." On the seat of an old wooden chair lay a wornout manual written by the Chairman himself, "How to Be a Stand Up Comic.”

The station hadn’t been looked after in a long time—the manual was the original one, 1988, no updates or revisions—with pages 130 to 140 torn out. I ventured to a public library branch—dull grey carpeting—and looked for a copy in better condition. (Mabye a newer copyright.) The library had the original. Oh well, this is Hayseed County. I found a quiet table in the corner and began to read.

In spite of being 17 years out of date... There’s still a lot of good information in here. Such as “You can’t teach funny—it’s like teaching someone to be short.” Or tall as is the case of some folks. Still the preface writer is right. I have no idea how to explain what in the bloomin' world I do. I just know how to size up a situation, walk up to a person and interact with them in a way they don’t expect. The laughter safety release valve opens and that joyous sound falls on my ears.

(Takes a very rare person who can do that to me... come under my radar, grab me off the window ledge and give me a good talking to with three simple words. Thanks ... Why'd'ju go and do that for, anyway? Were you bored? Am I sufficiently entertaining my Big Brother of Comedy yet? [Oxford Dictionary "entertain" = "cherish"] Oh... so that is your laughter from the control booth on the Ultra EHF bandwidth frequency. Oy... I really am being teased and falling for your joke, aren't I?)

Chapter Two,Early Warning Signs of the Stand-Up Personality” got me thinking. Before my stepfather joined the family, laughter permeated the house—no matter what stressful event we were going through. But Mom has my great-grandmother’s German-Dutch humor. I thought of the routines my brother came up with and how I loved joining him. Adults couldn't keep from laughing.

Then I remembered this one… I played a practical joke in third grade—telling everyone I was born in Australia, but we came to the states after that. My classmates believed me… that was fun. Due to an advanced reading group in 2nd grade and moving to a new school—I spent more time in third grade clowning around than paying attention to the boring stuff I learned already. That was my turning point year—on how to deal with boring classrooms. (And I used to play jokes on substitute teachers.)

Now there’s a map on page 80 that needs updating. The US is divided into different areas by types of people. There's a state listed with the Hayseeds, and I beg to differ. I'd say my county is a mix of hayseeds and hicks, with a few rednecks further south.

Besides looking at all the hilarious pictures (Richard does a handsome rendition of 1950’s jazz-bop entertainer on page 56), let’s just say that I didn’t find the banal high-school humor about male anatomy on pages 130–140, (especially 130 & 139) very amusing. The photos and captions just made me want to run screaming out of the branch library and attack my husband. (Just kidding, Richard.)

I think I’ll just keep this worn out copy with the missing pages and refer to it from time to time.

Overall point of the book?? Be an original… like the Belz iz.


A/N -- (clears her throat) "A good relationship..." Hmmm... So would that be aimable, bien, bon, beinvellant, fiable, honorable or gentil?

How about lien de parenté, lien du sang, relation harmonieuse?

Qu’est ce que tu penses de ça? What do you think of that, I'm learning French... Turnabout's Fair Play... A good relationship.


©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah (aka Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah) is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. See Turnabout's Fair Play and comment left by Mr. Anonymous. (Dear Richard, Thanks for the hug.)

***Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor do they represent the staff writer of this website. Previous page versions have been obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Publications Dept. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for Laughter Safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.***

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Turnabout's Fair Play...

Or The Joke Could Be On You....

I have several items that need to escape my brain and free me for other things... That's what it's like for me as a writer. Something will bug my brain until I write it down or tell someone.
FIRST: The German Shepherd/Kitten photo (photographer unknown) I had as my profile pic (aw big brudder ya got my wittle ear all wet...):

The German shepherd licking the kitten's ear reminds me of three things:
1. When we were kids, my big brother would say, "Hey come here. I need to tell you something important." I would go up close to him and he would burp in my ear... (I play straight man in the comedy of life)

2. Sometimes I feel like a little kitten and God is this big German Shepherd bending down and licking my face all over..."It's alright, Katie... I'll take care of you."

3. That warm, fuzzy feeling that something is working out for the good, just around the corner... there I almost see it. And that makes me want to cry...

SECOND: If I could do a "Make A Wish" it would be this:

Get a chance to play "straight man" to Richard Belzer—or just the "fall guy," you know, the schlemiel to his schlimazel. I don't even care who is in the audience or if there's just a few people... Or at least get teased by him. That would be such an honor and oh so much fun......(Thanks, Richard...)

Would be like teaming up with my brother, again—the way we did when we were younger. Besides family for audience, there were Radio DJ's at the local country music stations & neighbors. Would be like a memorial to my brother who loved working in the theater.

What's your "Make A Wish?" You know, the best thing to do with dreams and wishes—follow them—if possible. Cause time is way too short to wait back stage or on the sidelines of your life. Mine just might have a chance of coming true...(now wouldn't that be wild...)

Which leads me to something that I got worried about sharing....

“Do jokes somehow address a concern, a primal concern that we have? Yes, they do. They deal with things that are almost incomprehensible. They’re ways of controlling the uncontrollable…That’s the best thing we can hope for in comedy: honesty.” 51 & 52 of How To Be A Stand Up Comic by Richard Belzer (with Larry Charles & Rick Newman) ©1988

My satirically dry, cynically sarcastic humor is really my own personal safety valve—a way of staying sane among the lemmings. While living with an almost incomprehensible nightmare, I have found structure within what I have very little control over.

My ability to make others laugh just seems to come naturally—like a gift I didn't ask for. At times I barely have to make a conscious effort. Sometimes I wonder what everyone is laughing at. Yet I love the sound.

Though I'm learning to hear the difference between the sound of nervous, defensive laughter, and the sound of a true release of tension. It's that release which happened the other night with my routine and the stressed out cashier. I made her night—and hearing that release gave me an awesome sense of joy—like I had really touched the miraculous. That's why I know that God has a sense of humor...
THIRD: If you pray for a comedian... the joke might just be on you.

Sometimes I see praying for prominent professionals as sort of a two-way practical joke—that they don't know I'm praying and I may never see how my prayers have affected their life. Well, that way of perceiving prayer changed this year.

 The kinds of trials I'm going through right now—I sure couldn't handle umpteen dozen years ago. Yet God in his best sense of humor Provided way ahead of time... and I just followed. Just didn't know what I was getting prepared for—that my husband would be arrested for something that never happened.

God told me to pray for two actors since November of 2004. I finally chose to go to law school. Then I started praying for a third person, who happens to be an actor and a comedian.

But I didn't know about the comedian part when I started praying. At the time I only knew he was Jewish and that he reminded me of my brother, whom I missed very dearly. I mentioned the actor to my sister-in-law. She told me that he was a comedian and my brother had admired him. I could see why, due to similar personalities.

At any rate, I intensely studied logic for the Law School Admission test, which I took in June. After my husband gets arrested for a crime that never even happened, that depression I was in and out of due to my brother's death returned full force. Then in September, my stepfather dies. On October 30, I sensed this overwhelming intuition to pray all day for this actor/comedian.... and I had no idea why. Oh well... find out later.

About two weeks before Christmas/Hanukkah, that depression nose-dived...into the deepest, darkest valley—with no visible passage out. I don't even remember why now, but that Still Small Voice led me to look for pictures of this particular actor/comedian up on the web. On the same date I had the urge to pray—a photo had been taken of him with his signature smile—with a sparkle in his eyes I hadn't seen before!! I stared and stared at that picture—printed it up and put it on my bulletin board. I focused on that picture for days... wrote a humorous and heart-breaking essay to the Chairman. And Providence walked me back out into the light.

A/N Note: I felt awfully weird about this whole thing since I had wanted to share the above with the Chairman first...

 (Besides, why would he believe me?? That God has a sense of humor and more or less played a practical joke on me? I wonder...what would he think if he knew how that photo of his smile helped save my life?)

- Kat-Renée. =^..^=
A/N: Richard Belzer is an actor/comedian who plays Detective Munch on Law & Order: SVU

©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. (Dear Richard, Thanks for the hug.)

****(Original Post Approved with Safety Revisions. --- Signed by Mr. Anonymous, Chairman of LSVC) ****

(See comment below--left by Mr. Anonymous-- answering the last paragraph... and whatever else.. I don't know... My eccentricly meshugenah brain is still sorting out this conspiratorially cryptic comment left by the Chairman of the LSVC. )

***Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor do they represent the staff writer of this website. Previous page versions have been obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Publications Dept. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for Laughter Safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.***

Friday, January 06, 2006

A Faithful Heritage...

(REVISED 27.02.06)

Why Be Jewish?
(Ask The Rabbi at

Question From: New York City - anonymous(at) - 11/17/2000

I have a question about converts. After witnessing countless acts of anti-Semitism and persecution against the Jews, why would anybody want to be a part of that? While I can see where they'd be sympathetic toward Jews and inspired by their perseverance and survival, I do not see why anyone would willfully say, "Hook me up with this religion so that people might wanna kill me, too!"

Maybe I cannot fully understand the mind of a person turned onto Judaism, but it doesn't seem logical to want to be a part of a religion that is constantly being attacked even in today's "modern" world.

I love being Jewish, but I want to know why people would want to join.

You have good intuition. The Code of Jewish Law says that when someone approaches a rabbi expressing interest in conversion, the rabbi should initially discourage them with warnings about the threat of anti-Semitism.
Those who do end up converting, however, do so because they believe in the Torah and want to be part of our legacy -- whatever the cost might be.

Over the past 4,000 years, whether during the Inquisition, Crusades, pogroms or Holocaust, Jews have endured the torments of exile, torture and ovens -- yet continued to remain loyal to the Jewish people. Abraham himself was thrown into a fiery furnace. That gave strength to others to follow, and in our generation, Natan Sharansky willingly underwent years of psychological and physical torture for the sake of being Jewish.

I'd like to suggest that you ask yourself the same question: Why is it worth it to identify as a Jew? Of course, a Jew is always a Jew -- regardless of whether they reject their heritage, ignore it, or practice another religion. But theoretically -- why not just change your name and assimilate away?

To the Western ear, "sacrificing your life for a belief" sounds like a drastic action. Is there logic and reason to what our ancestors did? And where did they find the strength to lay down their lives for Jewish beliefs.

The answer is that even stronger than the human will to survive, is the drive for meaning in life, and to make a difference in the world. It is amazing but true. We see that a mother will send her beloved son off to war -- with the very real risk of his getting killed -- because she believes in the justice of the cause.

Rabbi Noah Weinberg says: Everyone should find a cause so meaningful that they'd forfeit their life for it. Because if you don't know what you are willing to die for, then you haven't begun to live. If you don't have meaning in your life, then all the physical enjoyments, the beautiful vacations and even the wonderful spouse and children, can make you feel that something is missing.

This is the secret of Jewish heroism. This is why so many Jews throughout history have sacrificed their lives for what they believe. Because when you go ahead and LIVE for that cause, it is with unparalleled power and pleasure.

So what is the "Jewish cause?"

Values that the civilized world takes for granted -- monotheism, love your neighbor, peace on earth, justice for all, universal education, all men are created equal, the preciousness of life -- are foundations of Judaism. So though we were exiled, oppressed, beaten and gassed, in the process we defined the moral makeup of humanity. This is an enormous impact and we accomplished it under the most adverse conditions.

For the rest of the story: Ask The Rabbi


Author's Note: So why is it worth re-identifying for me??? Peace of mind... After three generations of a daughter carrying a middle name that wasn't even Jewish, but secretly marked the lineage... great aunts and a grandmother afraid to remember... and me, I'm afraid to forget.

One of my mother's first cousins--the male son of the oldest aunt--took what was left of mother's and my physical heritage and sold it to a pawn shop... As the fourth generation to carry the middle name, I went on eBay--cause I can't afford the $325ea., 3-tiered brass Sabbath candle holders (C-7 with lions) at the New York Lower East Side Restoration Project--and started searching.... for my daughter who hasn't even been conceived yet. One item I found was a brass 3-tiered shabbat candleholder by an artist named Oppenheim. Another--a sabbath art poster--came all the way from Israel, and a beautiful silver-plated Hanukkiah (menorah) originally sold in New York City.

This time when I celebrated Hanukkah and tonight when I light candles for the Sabbath, I no longer observe under fear of persecution or under fear that some friends might think I've returned to the bondage of Old Testament law (what's that really mean, anyway?), but out of the freedom of faith... in my Creator who asked me to remember,


L'Chaim!!! & Good Shabbos (Shabbat Shalom) ^..^

Author's note is ©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah (aka Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah) is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. See Turnabout's Fair Play and kind comment left by Mr. Anonymous. (Dear Richard, Thanks for the hug.)

***Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor do they represent the staff writer of this website. Previous page versions have been obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Publications Dept. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for Laughter Safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.***

(In memory of #26947... a distant cousin.)

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Chasing After Tumbleweeds...

REVISED - 27.02.06. Resubmitted.

...Or A Ranting Mommi Goez.

Stuck in Cowboy Country and nothing else to do around here, but watch the cattle promenade down main street…when I would rather be somewhere else and less hormonally frustrated right now…

What boring, TV-Zombie lives some Americans lead (now of course I don't mean you, kind reader) those who left comments on the Belzer page at—from one fanatic extreme to the other…I couldn’t get the site to let me leave any message.

So here is my message to the entire gamut of folks out there (mildly understated, of course…):

Y’all, would you just go get a life of your own—go make love to your husband or clean up whatever that was that dumped out of your head—and stop trying to borrow someone else’s life!! (He already has a wife... Helloooo.) Look he really isn’t going to see your comment wishing him happy birthday. If you want to wish someone Happy Birthday—mail him or her a card for crying out loud!! Like you couldn’t figure that out—you can at least write to Richard Belzer% Law & Order Studios??? Are you that scared of rejection—his birthday’s the same day as yours, so what’s your problem?? (You know, if you would just do a little research, you might find an address in France, even—that is if you really cared…) Hey, life’s too short to be a lemming, guys—put your brain back in and do something creatively original with what’s left of your days on Earth…please, before I knock a hole in the basement wall instead of knocking some sense in your head. (Ouch…now my hand hurts.)

Which brings me to my personal definitions of these words:

a whiner who leaves their brain at the door and follows a famous person around and around like a puppy dog and complains when the celebrity doesn’t have time to find it for them. (I actually had this happen to me... after winning first prize in the costume contest at an sf convention once—acted out my part like everyone else in front of judges and convention goers…and now I have a fan??? Look I like real puppies, but I have no earthly idea where you put your brain... honest. Perhaps the hotel staff can help. I have enough trouble keeping track of my keys.)

Someone who intelligently recognizes the creative talent and professionalism of someone else, honoring him or her with the kindness and respect they deserve. (Look up Desiderata…even if they have a culturally demeaning job or are still an amateur…uhm…that’s French, isn’t it?) That kind of someone will keep fanatics away, even if it means missing the chance to talk to the one he or she admires.

Fond of/Fondness:
To see someone as they are and accept them with Agape—just like a real brother or sister. (Teasing is allowed, but turnabout is fair play...)

Kind Regards to all and to all-- c'est la vie,

Reni =^..^=
P.S. -- that we should all strive toward the last two areas... caring for one another.

”…let us pledge allegiance to compassion, humanity and each other.” --Richard Belzer, July 4, 2005.

Without an allegiance to Providence and compassion, there is no pledge of allegiance to one’s country. “When America ceases to be good, she ceases to be great…” (Who said that… Oh yeah... Alec de Toqueville, a French guy. =^..^= )


 ©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah (aka Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah) is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. See Turnabout's Fair Play and comment left by Mr. Anonymous. (Dear Richard, Thanks for the hug.)

A Very Gentle Warning -- As the founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™, I entirely respect professionals and honor those who have passed on. If my writing regarding these professionals is taken out of the tributary context as originally written and used in an exploitative manner of any kind--I forgive cat not so forgiving... (Please... Your sensibility is truly appreciated.)

***Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor do they represent the staff writer of this website. Previous page versions have been obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Publications Dept. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for Laughter Safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.***

Sunday, January 01, 2006

To Sam Waterston and A Call For Reason

"First decide what you want...then fight for it!" - Lantern Hill. Revised Post: May 13, 2006

(A/N: I haven't met Sam Waterston (Jack McCoy, Law & Order)—but I merely wanted to thank him for how he inspired me to go to law school and how that goal is helping me struggle through a very difficult situation. Please read Ayesha's endorsement in the Comment Section. She has met Sam Waterston and believes he is the epitome of kindness. Perhaps... I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

However, I sent the essay below in letter form to Mr. Waterston, along with an original drawing signed and dedicated, but the letter and my original artwork came back two months later—unopened and marked "Refused." --Reni)


I Had A Cat Named Sammy Once
...(named for Sammy Davis Jr...)

But this editorial essay is about someone else—a living example of what one light in the darkness can accomplish—Sam Waterston. For those who aren't familiar with his name, he plays Jack McCoy on Law & Order. (Still Samuel is my favorite name—from Shema & El, "G-d has heard.")

Waterston also performed in a play called Travesties last May. Would rather have seen him perform in that play , but I was stuck in my basement, studying for the Law School Admission Test, alas.

I read Waterston's article concerning Chelsea's Oasis and wish I could see the chapel. I love old chapels—such a peaceful place for prayer. Sam thinks so, too—said so in his editorial. He mentioned how the seminary wants to erect a building that will match the one across the street—which makes sense. I'm wondering if the new taller building would make the seminary feel even more secluded, like another tall soldier guarding the area. Yet would help if I could view the architect's plans and see this ugly building the seminary wants to tear down.

However, restoring historic landmark buildings should always be first. So many historic buildings have been torn down here—like several of our historic theaters and that just breaks my heart, especially the one that had a beautiful mural depicting cowboys, buffalo and all. I watched so many movies in that theater. Now a parking lot exists there for no apparently good reason. The only thing saved were the seats, which were placed in the oldest theater preserved—no more mural. (See December 18, 2005—Op-Ed Contributor: Chelsea's Oasis by Sam Waterston in the New York Times. (

Would you believe—as a writer I began studying Sam's films last November after I stumbled upon a T.D. Waterhouse commercial, while studying faces for a novel character and couldn't recall why Waterston looked so familiar? Then I found the L&O reruns on TNT and there he was. I also found the Raised Eyebrow fan group and a lot of really nice folks. And I bought several of his movies over the net and haven't yet watched them all.

I do remember seeing one of his filmsMiracle At Midnight on television, but missed the mini-series The Nightmare Years. Being of Jewish descent, I cherish having copies of those two films in particular. There is a book called Witnesses to War by Michael Leapman, with a picture of a thin girl, Auschwitz number 26947. With features too much like a cross between my brother and I, her face haunts me like an unknown relative. I need to find her story.

Yet another film I purchased, Lantern Hill—the back of the tape box has a quote: "First you've got to decide what you want...then you've got to fight for it!" Although said by another character in the movie, the phrase seems to fit Sam's philosophy as well. Last year watching him play Jack McCoy again brought back an old desire to go to law school and I found something to fight toward—after losing my only known brother who used to love acting in theater. He was charming and funny—always trying to get me to laugh. He taught me how to play straight man and we had a blast with our routines as kids.

Then something very curious happened last November—I sensed this vivid urge to pray for Sam. Yet I learned to listen to that still small Voice which more than 15 years ago saved me from a man with a sawed-off shotgun while I worked nights at a 24-7 convenience store.

The first time I ever prayed for Sam Waterston was several years ago, after seeing the scene of Jack McCoy confessing to Serena Southerlyn about his friend Tommy who refused last rites from a priest. "God forgive me if I'm wrong...I'm still following after Tommy." Those words sent chills up my spine the first time the episode aired because he gave so much of himself in that scene. He might not have won an award for that scene, but Sam influenced my life for the better that day—and that should say more than a bronze statue ever could.

There is a quote of Sam's—not sure when or where he made this. Yet the meaning has made a difference in my life, especially right now: "There is no problem that cannot be improved by effort, and no effort that is too paltry to be worth undertaken."

Yet some problems are more nightmarish than others—such as small town politics—when my husband was arrested for a crime that never happened. I'm a witness to these alleged events and after I bailed him out...he cried all night—a broken-hearted man.

My husband is a kind and gentle soul whose mother's family escaped the Holocaust!! He loved me out of a lot of bitterness and fear about men in general, when there were men I knew who did have very bad habits.

Our nightmare actually came about because my husband and I had the audacity to question the controlling decisions of the leadership of an interfaith congregation we were attending. Board members just took some oil and dubbed the leader a rabbi. Anyone who asked questions were subjected to scrutiny. Two families became the leadership's latest victims when they chose to manipulate people and events to please their viewpoint. (actually would be rather sad, if it wasn't so serious...)

Several days after my husband's arrest, I just lied down in my backyard from the shock, but I finally realized what Providence had in mind--I wouldn't have been able to handle this situation at all without the intense study in logic required to pass the LSAT (Thanks, Sam & Jack for the inspiration) and a profound eternal peace.

And this part of Sam's quote: " effort that is too paltry to be worth undertaken" continues to remind me how even seemingly insignificant efforts to remember and stand up for my husband's innocence are making a difference in traveling through this dark valley to the light of hope ahead.

From an article calling for balance: "The abuse of a a despicable crime, for which every parent and law enforcement officer ought to be on the alert. Children, the most vulnerable members of society, depend on the care and wisdom of adults to protect them. It's because of that responsibility that so many state and local governments have been tightening laws... But as they go about drawing their security circles around children, these governments need to watch that they don't overreact....Public outrage and sorrow accompany cases of child...abuse. Governments should do all they can to prevent these crimes—and some of the predators do appear to be beyond current methods of rehabilitation. But the outrage shouldn't get in the way of trying to help the majority of abusers...redeem their lives." (Christian Science Monitor, June 14, 2005 )

Yes, there is a need for stronger laws to crack down on crimes involving children, but neither at the expense of the innocent nor those who can be redeemed. A neighbor told me a story. His friend is a schoolteacher whose only crime was trying to help out an irresponsible, immature foreign exchange student accusing everyone of child abuse who simply asked her to follow a few simple rules for her own safety. Even though she had falsely accused another family, my neighbor's friend was convicted on hearsay evidence with no chance by the defense to cross-examine the exchange student who went back to Sweden.

This is my first real effort to share our living nightmare outside a "barely civilized town," as a visiting New Yorker phrased it—to combat with a little reason the paranoiac fear over these kinds of crimes. The quote from The Monitor is the only article I could find on the web that even remotely addressed the paranoiac-like imbalance permeating legal decisions in some areas of the country.

As an actual former child victim, I pray that standing up for my innocent husband will add to the voice of this article. That my efforts will eventually add incentive toward a more balanced approach and help reunite me with my husband—something I wouldn't have found the courage to try without Richard Belzer's contagious, life-saving smile and Sam Waterston's emancipating words of inspiration.

Kind Regards in a Season of Miracles,

Reni. =^..^=

"There is no problem that cannot be improved by effort, and no effort that is too paltry to be worth undertaken." -Sam Waterston.


Re-Edited: 27.02.06. ©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah (formerly - Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah) is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. See Turnabout's Fair Play and comment left by Mr. Anonymous. (Dear Big Brother, Thanks for the hug.)

***Cached pages are not authorized representations of this page nor do they represent the staff writer of this website. Previous page versions have been obliterated by the LSVC, Tech Publications Dept. The editorial staff of the LSVC are not responsible for Laughter Safety violations caused by any unauthorized use of outdated information.***