Saturday, May 20, 2006

Mental Health Hotline

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline

If you are Obsessive/Compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are Co-Dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you. 

If you have Multiple Personalities: Press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 

If you are Paranoid: We know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we’ll trace your call. 

If you are Delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother ship. 

If you are Schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. 

If you are Depressive: It doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer you. 

If you are Dyslexic: Press 6 9, 6 9, 6 9, 6 9 

If you have a Nervous Disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until the beep. 

After the beep, please wait for the beep. 

If you have a Short-Term Memory Loss: Please try your call again later. 

If you have Low Self-Esteem: Hang up. 

All operators are too busy to talk to you...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Humor Is A Rubber Sword

Humor is a rubber sword -
It allows you to make a point
without drawing blood. -- Mary Hirsch

Friday, May 05, 2006

Keep It Simple Stupid

"Brevity is the soul of wit"
-William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Monday, May 01, 2006

That Fell Down

"The act evolves out of yourself--but not intellectually. It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything--staying in motion. Because sooner or later those ripples will cause change. This paying your dues, appearing again and again and again on every sort of stage in front of every kind of audience, until you gradually acquire technique and stage identity, which is not you, but has your passion, your hurts, your angers, your particular humour.

This is a birth process, and it can be painful."

-Joan Rivers, Enter Talking.