Sirius or Serious??

(Katie "Moe-Moe" Kitty, Haard at werk, lernin nu funni materul.)

Re-Edited 27.02.06 - (Re-submitted for Laughter Safety Rating.)

. More Shocking than Stern, Oddities
and You Can’t Teach Funny.

A/N: I had promised the Chairman a post last night, but I was pretty zonked out—went to bed and had a decent nights sleep. Yet with no plastic over my pillow—woke up with my eyes nearly swollen shut. I can see better now, but if you find a few typos...

(Wait a minute.. where did the monitor go? Where am I and why does everyone keep laughing at me... Is everyone starved for humor around here?? Who are these aliens and what did you do with the normal people??? Has anyone actually noticed The Chairman's three word endorsement??? "A good relationship..." WHAT IN THE BLOOMIN' BLUE BLAZES IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???? Somebody please give me a stage or beam me back to Hayseed County before I go stir crazy... by a conspiracy plot from the outer limits of the twilight zone...)

In my last column, my Big Brother (and Chairman of the LSVC) left a three-word conspiratorially teasing comment. My brain went spinning, wondering what he meant...

Of course, as Busy Bosses tend to do from time to time, he merely stopped by to check on my work, you know--make sure I wasn't on another Catnip Tea break or dangerously walking on the window ledge again... (I like heights). How conspiratorially sweet of you, brother. I know you’re busy being The Chairman of Funny and Detective Munch's understudy (just kidding Richard.) —you didn’t have to do that. I guess there is such a thing as a hug over the Internet. (chuckles softly… I still owe you one.)

Well, there are lots of folks doing stranger things over the Internet and telephone, but I’ll leave that to Howard Stern to explore. I ain't even going to go there. Well it's just that I already have a husband. I only need one of those.

I just started a new job—part-time through the temp agency—as admin asst in the tech publications dept of the Laughter Safety Valve Comission™. I'm just filing letters between comedians and the LSVC, updating/adding revisions to safety manuals and proofreading. Still the office atmosphere is relaxed and no pressure—really nice folks who enjoy being around each other. For me—so refreshing to work with genuine people who have a sense of humor. A 180 degree turn from folks who thought something was wrong with me. (So in Hayseed County, y'all don't read the Wall Street Journal and walking tigers down the street is illegal? Oh.....okay.)

Now here’s the interesting part…speaking of Howard—one of the staff began talking about Sirius and Stern. I mentioned I’d only caught glimpses of reruns aired on TV and not the news section—the part I was interested in—looking to see if my big brother, The Chairman had stopped by.

Yet after work I have a message at home to call the temp agency. Apparently, I was being cautioned not to talk about my website…that it might be a personal/privacy issue. Like I’m way more shocking than Stern??? Helloo… asserting "innocent of ..." is way too controversial? Okay… Maybe I should mention that to Howard. I could be a guest or something.

Just a strange thought in my head... Howard may even find this story amusing. I don’t know…I’ll have to get back to him... The network guy was just worried about band width overload—one of my sites plays music. And I can totally understand that—we're talking laughter safety here. Interruption of the Ultra EHF Bandwidth connection between staff writers and the comedian during a live performance could be very dangerous... to the comedian, especially.

Hmmm, the shocking controversy of asserting innocence.
Yeah… I like that.

Speaking of oddities… this one is downright conspiratorial. Someone nabbed this book from the Public Library: “UFO’s, JFK and Elvis, Conspiracies You Don’t Have To Be Crazy To Believe.” by Richard Belzer.

The online library database gave the book as a new acquisition and in transit to the shelves. I put a hold on the book and waited and waited. I got fed up and braved the main library branch with the red/blue contrasting carpet that always does strange things to my light sensitive eyesight with stigmatism overtones. (The wonderful thing about red/blue carpet not showing dirt—you can't see the floor!!)

I ventured into the three-story public building and talked to Reference (with my hands spread out between my eyes and the psychedelic mess below). The book was originally ordered and received in 2000, but never found the shelves!! Very strange. So the reference librarian and I had a good laugh about conspiracies and how she once stood outside the window of the Today Show. Jesse L. Martin (Det. Green of Law & Order) just happened to be standing there as well. She’s reordering the book and checking through interlibrary loan.

I’ll just buy a very used copy at Amazon… might be faster...Well that leaves one last thing...

Review Belzer’s first book, “How To Be A Stand-Up Comic.”

After Providence walked me back into the Light, I had no earthly idea where I was. (See previous entry, Turnabout's Fair Play.)

My comments to people in the world of retail stores made people chuckle. I had forgotten that sound and wanted to hear it again. And again. Then I did something I’ve dubbed—"The Absent-Minded Customer Helps The Stressed-Out Cashier." The reaction from the woman in line behind me was priceless. She stifled a smile, covered her face and turned her back to me. Don't know if she was embarrassed for me or about me. Or maybe thought the whole thing was funny, but wanted to get home!!! Or thought I was just plain nuts... (Sorry, I don't have the recipe written down yet.)

That’s when I began searching for an explanation. While driving around Hayseed County I saw this square, glass walled booth—out in the middle of a wheatfield, unattached to anything. Turned out to be some kind of empty station with a console of monitors and handwritten instructions. The console had some kind of safety release valve with instructions that read, "Turn valve counter clockwise for laughter, then straight ahead for eccentric humor." On the seat of an old wooden chair lay a wornout manual written by the Chairman himself, "How to Be a Stand Up Comic.”

The station hadn’t been looked after in a long time—the manual was the original one, 1988, no updates or revisions—with pages 130 to 140 torn out. I ventured to a public library branch—dull grey carpeting—and looked for a copy in better condition. (Mabye a newer copyright.) The library had the original. Oh well, this is Hayseed County. I found a quiet table in the corner and began to read.

In spite of being 17 years out of date... There’s still a lot of good information in here. Such as “You can’t teach funny—it’s like teaching someone to be short.” Or tall as is the case of some folks. Still the preface writer is right. I have no idea how to explain what in the bloomin' world I do. I just know how to size up a situation, walk up to a person and interact with them in a way they don’t expect. The laughter safety release valve opens and that joyous sound falls on my ears.

(Takes a very rare person who can do that to me... come under my radar, grab me off the window ledge and give me a good talking to with three simple words. Thanks ... Why'd'ju go and do that for, anyway? Were you bored? Am I sufficiently entertaining my Big Brother of Comedy yet? [Oxford Dictionary "entertain" = "cherish"] Oh... so that is your laughter from the control booth on the Ultra EHF bandwidth frequency. Oy... I really am being teased and falling for your joke, aren't I?)

Chapter Two, “Early Warning Signs of the Stand-Up Personality” got me thinking. Before my stepfather joined the family, laughter permeated the house—no matter what stressful event we were going through. But Mom has my great-grandmother’s German-Dutch humor. I thought of the routines my brother came up with and how I loved joining him. Adults couldn't keep from laughing.

Then I remembered this one… I played a practical joke in third grade—telling everyone I was born in Australia, but we came to the states after that. My classmates believed me… that was fun. Due to an advanced reading group in 2nd grade and moving to a new school—I spent more time in third grade clowning around than paying attention to the boring stuff I learned already. That was my turning point year—on how to deal with boring classrooms. (And I used to play jokes on substitute teachers.)

Now there’s a map on page 80 that needs updating. The US is divided into different areas by types of people. There's a state listed with the Hayseeds, and I beg to differ. I'd say my county is a mix of hayseeds and hicks, with a few rednecks further south.

Besides looking at all the hilarious pictures (Richard does a handsome rendition of 1950’s jazz-bop entertainer on page 56), let’s just say that I didn’t find the banal high-school humor about male anatomy on pages 130–140, (especially 130 & 139) very amusing. The photos and captions just made me want to run screaming out of the branch library and attack my husband. (Just kidding, Richard.)

I think I’ll just keep this worn out copy with the missing pages and refer to it from time to time.

Overall point of the book?? Be an original… like the Belz iz.

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A/N -- (clears her throat) "A good relationship..." Hmmm... So would that be aimable, bien, bon, beinvellant, fiable, honorable or gentil?

How about lien de parenté, lien du sang, relation harmonieuse?

Qu’est ce que tu penses de ça? What do you think of that, I'm learning French... Turnabout's Fair Play... A good relationship.

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©2006 by Kat-Renée Kittel. All Rights Reserved. Please be kind and give credits to author and founder of the Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. Thanks.

Got Chutzpah (aka Agape Is A Five Letter Word... For Chutzpah) is inspired by The Chairman of The Laughter Safety Valve Commission™. See Turnabout's Fair Play and comment left by Mr. Anonymous. (Dear Richard, Thanks for the hug.)

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